Saturday, January 29, 2011

6.25pm, saturday, 29 jan 2011

in fast motion. but for now, i will just right a few of the things that has happened this week.It's the weekend and once again, my life has moved at a really fast phase. I can hardly keep track of time or even reflect on myself. only today i realised that i've been in UK for 4 months now, and in that 4 months, so much has happened. and i mean, really a lot has happened. it's as if my life is being played in speedy mode.

1. I had a delicious meal of fried rice with fried chicken which was cooked at midnight.
2. I think I had about 400-500 word for Oracy which was due on Wednesday.

1. I had 1000 words to go for Oracy
2. I had a real book hunt in the library (now i know what it means to be a hardworking student of Warwick). I was actually panting from all the rushing and hunting.

3. i was offered to represent UMNO at a meeting on wednesday, but SADLY i had to let go the opportunity


1. I succeeded in completing my assignment and passed it up on time.
2. I didn't realise Mukul's exact instructions for the discussion so i wasted almost 2 hours during the seminar.

1. I was the first person to carry out microteaching, and i only prepared for it on that morning. My instructions were not clear and i need to have better class control. otherwise, i think it was quite ok.
2. Creative writing class as usual, i realise that these classes are getting tougher.


1. Fauzana needed to iron her costume, so I went to ET's room and wala! etea and ell served me a good delicious meal. thanks girls!
2. someone put pork in my fridge space and i accidentally touched it. had to go out in the cold night, wearing really few layers to dig for earth. and it was hard to dig because of the thorns. but, with chibby's help, i managed to samak.

I've had a really good sleep.. Much needed rest i must say.

My Way

And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which i'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I've traveled each and every highway
and more much more than this
I did it my way
Regrets, I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
More much more than this
I did it my way
Yes there were times
I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all
When there was doubt
I ate it up, and spit it out
I faced it all
And I stood tall
And did it my way
I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of loosing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say
Not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no not me
I did it my way

A life of secrecy


I have lived without facebook for a month now, and i'm still alive. The absence of facebook have perhaps kept me in a bit of oblivion since i am not up to date with all the events and other happenings, but compared to the good it has brought me, i should and will NOT complain.

I no longer open my FB homepage immediately upon opening my laptop, nor do i waste hours on FB. Most importantly, i am spared the misfortune of reading some not-so-nice updates by other people. also, i myself no longer need to worry about what i'm telling the world, or what aspects of my life are revealed by my friends on fb.

I feel secure. Sometimes it's so good to keep a distance from others. FB does not always connect people, at times, it separates them.

Now, I feel that I live a life of secrecy. No one knows much about me, what else about how i feel. And since i take months or even years to let out my true exact feelings even to friends who are closests to me, i'm really enjoying this secret life I'm leading. All of a sudden, i feel like this mysterious girl, a girl who is slowly disappearing from the public eye. What I do and what i think are matters to be shared only between me and Him. I may of course let out statements such as 'I'm tired after practices', "I still have the whole assignment to write and its due in 2 days!' and bla, bla, bla...but these are hardly matters which can be considered personal. I believe in time, I might even become more quiet (we'll see if that really happens).

One of my main aims in Warwick is to have minimal conflicts with others. So far, there hasn't been ANY conflict (as far as i'm concerned), and i plan to prolong this condition for as long as possible. The absence of FB helps me to achieve this.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

No more it's time for reality!

it's not going to happen, but i still keep on dreaming and hoping for the impossible.

But then, i don't exactly have time to do much dreaming these next few days. I'm once again caught in the mist of doing a last minute assignment. i havent started a thing and its due in 3 days time. i only just read the question yesterday. and to top it up, i wont be able to work on it on monday because there'll be dikir barat practise on that night. nor can i work on it on sunday because i have play rehearsal to attend and i have no clue how long that would take.

but at least while bloging now, i'm actually trying to work out some bits about my assignment. i think ive worked out about 5% on it. owh, i have'nt written anything, i'm still in the planning stage. i know my current situation is quite critical but i wont panic-yet.

come lets get oracy done!

Friday, January 21, 2011

End of week 2

another week has passed. in the past, i used to look forward to the weekends as that is the only time for me to catch up with all my work, let it be in terms of education or even my other chores. that has hardly been the case ever since i came Warwick. Even my weekends are just as bad or even worse than my weekdays.

I would love to stay up every night and see to my work but if i do that there'll be too many negative consequences.
1. my health will worsen due to exhaustion
2. i will sleep in class
3. according to Mr Ruban, it will shorten my life-span

Anyway, right now i'm sitting in warwick arts centre. it's really nice and peaceful sitting here alone. I'm unsure which work to start on, but i will make the most of my next 2 hours or so.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

One Day Later

This post should have been written last night but it's 24 hours late.

as for my targets for last night, of course i didn't achieve all of them. editing the script took up all my precious time, i had to just forget about doing anything else. thanks to the script, i even had my dinner only at 11pm.

i still havent so much as look at the question paper for oracy nor have i prepared a lesson plan for culture and citizanship. however, i did read on labov experiment (assigned by Mukul), and now i'm reading the links which he asked us to read last week (once again, 'siaran tergendala'). despite reading it carefully, i still don't fully understand the concepts discussed. i pick up things in mukul's class, but these days when i read, i get all messed up and confused. but the good news is, I actually studied today. Sometihing i have not done for so long.

I Think i have to forget about practising a 24 hour system where i study and read everyday. there are so many days in the week where i just cant do that. so, i'll resume to my weekly plans. hopefully with the flexibility of time, i will be able to adjust my plans and achieve them within a weekly basis instead of daily. I could do with less stress anyway. Stress is one of the cause for asthma. I need to take things a bit easier.

Monday, January 17, 2011

If This is a Test for Me I Accept It

Today alone i don't know how many times I got asthma attacks. I wonder what is triggering it. When i went to the hospital that day, i wasn't gasping for breath, but now, i am. Can't be good right?

Lately, i just don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm not angry or upset, i'm just tired. all the coughing and choking takes up so much of my energy that i have so little left to do anything else at times. It doesnt help that i have a superbly busy schedule and that i have some responsibilities to see to. So with all the coughing and too much work, I'm not exactly the happiest person on earth.

I worry most about my studies. Last Friday, I had an attack during SLA. So, i just couldn't focus. Then i had to leave the class to use my inhaler. when i returned to class feeling better, i was totally lost. Good thing that I only need a pass for this year. However, I don't just want a pass, i want to do well. BUt at the rate i'm going, it'll be amazing if i can achieve anything close to excellence or even anything that can be called good.

This is just a test for me and i will handle it as best as I can. Should I fail in anyway, it wont be due to lack of effort because I'm going to fight back. If before this I may have had to fight other people, this time, I have to fight myself, or more specifically, my bad health.

Monday, January 10, 2011

10.1.11: 9.25pm -Updates

On sunday night, i finally completed my sociolinguistics assignment. All of it, the data, group work and also my individual work. the word count so far is quite good but i shall see if the essay needs any more editing later on.

i started on sla last night but i only manged to write 106 words. however, i wrote another 400+ in the library this afternoon. havent just had a long almost 3-hour sleep, i obviously have not had any progress for SLA. but now that i'm fully-fed and well-rested, i shall work continuously again and try to get at least 1200 words before i sleep after midnight (or mayb at 4, 5 or 6 am).

today was the first day of term. despite waking up quite early, i was 5 minutes late (or rather Lynette was as early as ever). i hardly absorbed anything in culture class and nothing at all registered in my brains during peter's class either. monday blues and assignmnet blues. that's all.

it's almost 9.30 pm now, i have to start my work. i dont want to stay up on tuesday night and wednesday morning to finish up my work. and since my class starts at 9 on wednesday, my work has to be done ong before i go to class. Class B, you're a bunch of lucky people.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

marini is right, blogging about assignments does give the motivation to finsish the work asap. finally the data for group work is finished, complete. and now i'm finalising the group essay too. intro and methodology is done, leaving only the data analysis to be edited. i'm getting there. and the moment this is completed, i'm going to finish up my individual work as well. i have to work at a much faster phase now since it is really very late already. for now, i am more spirited. i dun care what happens today, i have to finished 1 assignment at least. if i cant do that, then i have to at least start on my second assignment. wednesday is already so near and here i am still unfinished (socio) and unstarted (sla).

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Current assignment update

I have 2 assignments to be completed by this wednesday.
Progress so far?

1. Group work and data- basically done but needs some editing and maybe a few citations
2. Individual work - currently 676 words and it needs major editing (this is already my 3rd draft-written from scratch 3 times)

I need 2000 words and so far i havent started anything!
I am still reading and trying to understand the concepts.

as for Oracy which was given to us months ago...just needs to wait till i'm done with these 2 assignments 1st.

I should stop blogging and instead start working but i seem to lack the motivation to do my work. I feel at the verge of giving up but i havent exactly given up. Still, i worry if I cant do my work in time or if my work is only rubbish.


Tika mata
Diuji manisnya senyuman
Terpamit rasa menyubur harapan

Dan seketika
Terlontar ke dunia khayalan
Hingga terlupa singkat perjalanan
Tersedar aku dari terlena
Dibuai lembut belaian cinta

Rela aku pendamkan
Impian yang tersimpan
Enggan ku keasyikan
Gusar keindahannya
Merampas rasa cinta
Pada Dia yang lebih sempurna

Bukan mudah
Bernafas dalam jiwa hamba
Dan aku cuba
Menghindarkan pesona maya
Kerna tak upaya ku hadapinya
Andai murka-Nya menghukum leka

Di atas nama cinta
Pada yang selayaknya
Ku nafikan yang fana
Moga dalam hitungan
Setiap pengorbanan
Akan disuluh cahaya redha-Nya

Biar sendiri hingga hujung nyawa
Asal tak sepi dari kasih-Nya
Sesungguhnya hakikat cinta
Hanya Dia yang Esa

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

When panic Finally sinks in...!

i have approximately 5 days of holidays left and i have exactly 3 assignments to do, 2 of which are due in a week. AND...1 of them requires repeated readings to be understood well. no choice there, the concepts have to be understood, otherwise, there's no writing the assignment. Of course i havent started reading anything. and i'm still doing my sociolinguistics individual work, even the group work still needs editing. So, it's time that i start panicking!!!!!

i have been working on these assignments but most of the time, i'm just wasting my precious moments doing useless stuff.


still i have to finish my work somehow. I hope i find it much easier than my friends who are ALL struggling. the fact that they're struggling makes me panic even more.

I need a miracle. But much more than that, I need an attitude adjustment. I need to and I WILL set my priorities right.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Thank You, Seniors!!!

Today is Bank Holiday in the UK, so NHS is closed and so are the pharmacies and shops. And of all the days, i need to fall sick today. I have been unwell ever since i returned from Ireland but in the last 2 days, my condition has worsened till i reached a level that i had to seek medical treatment. Since it's a public holiday, i was really clueless as where to go and what to do. Luckily, 4 seniors helped me out.

They took me to the hospital (which was seriously so far away) and i received the treatment i needed. I never thought i'll get this bad. And to need to take steroids...well...i have no choice.

I don't know what i would have done without you four. I would have had to wait till the following day for sure but even then, i doubt that nhs would have given me steroids (which turned out to be a necessity). And if i had waited i would be suffering for another night. So....

Here's a big THANK YOU to Mei Ling, Kamal, Chief and Syafiq.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

When the near is actually so far and when the far is always so near

That is exactly how i feel.

There is an air of coldness around me here in the UK and its not at all due to the winter weather. I sensed it even during the first few weeks in Warwick but at that time i thought that i was just culture shocked and that it was all my imagination due to me being homesick. After more than 2 months here i know i'm not imagining things. I've spotted the reality from the start.

I've always thought that geographical distances is the reason why friends or family may not contact so often. Of course there are other reasons, but i believed that geography distances is one of the main. But now, i think differently. If the bond between two people are strong, no distances can ever keep them apart. we live in the 21st century, if we live far from one another, even if we are in different continents, there's skype, fb, ym and so many other social sites that can keep us connected- for free. If we're separated due to deaths, still, we will always be connected in prayers. so, there really is no real reason for connections to break...unless, people themselves choose to break them.

This wouldn't be the first time i feel this. Whenever someone needs me-to talk, to cry, to seek help regarding religion or studies, or even relationships, i will always be there for them. And if i fail to be present, it is only due to really terribly unavoidable situations. I've even gone to the extend of re-activating my fb just for the sake of a few and so many times, I will ensure that i have sufficient credit should anyone need me to reply to some important questions. Also, I'm always available at ym esp during times when we have assignments etc because i want to always be there to help those who are struggling. of course, at times, i'm the one going haywire, but my main intention is to help. So, why is it when i really2 need ppl to be online or to even respond to my mails/sms/whatever form of msg to seek help/opinion/advice, it is always so hard to get them? I mean, i doubt that you're actually avoiding me (for most ppl i really do doubt you'll do such a thing, but for some i know it's real but i shall ignore you), can i not get frustrated??? It's rather unfair that i'm always there for people but it doesnt happen the other way round.

And i no longer see a need to have FB. I might reactivate it but i shall take my time and i will deactivate it in accordance to my mood and convenience. If you're important enough to me, or rather, if I even mean anything to you, you should have either my email address or YM. and for those who i truly owe so much love and dear family, you will have my skype. I have deactivated fb and soon i will disappear from YM too but for my family and maybe best friends, we will still be connected.

It is my family and my best friends who are so far away from me, but still, i feel them so close to me (though for some friends, even you are a disappointment). For my family, I am so touched that you're always thinking of me. and to my aunts, cousies, nephews and even nieces, i know you ask after me when you speak to my mother and i also know you wait for me to be online. And those who are near, the last 2 years i have actually felt that you're far, that you're distancing yourselves, now, this feeling is even stronger. Still, i will ALWAYS be there for all of you if you need me. No, i will not change that part of me. At least, if i am to die in the near future, i know that i have done my level best to be of some aid to those who need me.

Honestly, what will I do if i dun have Allah and my family and a handful of old friends to turn to??


I could almost swear that time passes much faster in the UK compared to Malaysia!!!

It's like everytime i look at the time, at least 10-15 minutes would have passed, and that's not normal. Sometimes even when i just stare at the clock i feel that the seconds needle is working much faster than it used to. I used to believe that one would feel that time is passing fast when she/he is busy and fully occupied. Yes, I am indeed busy but ever since I came to UK, i feel that even when i'm not busy time passes so fast. I could just sit and dream on the bed and before i know it, and hour would have passed. Also, when i'm bored in class or when i hate the lesson, i used to feel that time is passing slow. But even tat no longer applies to me in the UK. Now, i feel that time even passes fast when i am bored (of course it passes extra fast when i actually like the subject or maybe...the lecturer. ehem ehem...) in short, time passes fast in the UK and i dun think i actually like that. I meant to fulfil and enjoy every moment of the 3 years i have here. I've succeeded so far. Maybe, that's why I feel time is passing, no,'s still not logical. Time does pass faster in UK. That's definite.

and thanks to that, i now have to work at an extra fast speed to finish all my work and to fulfil all my commitments well. 2011, you sure are going to be a very busy year for me. I've already gone through days, weeks and even months where i have so much to do that i hardly have time to breathe (this is what we call a 'hyperbole' in literature...wink!) I realise my hectic life is back..but i'll be able to handle you... =)

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Goodbye 2010, Hola 2011!

So it's the New Year. Goodbye 2010 and welcome 2011.

2010 has been a wonderful year for me. After dreaming of studying overseas ever since i was a child, i finally have my dream come true. I've experienced autumn and winter. And best of all, i've experienced snowfall and even made snowman. My trip to Ireland was wonderful too. The whole highlight of 2010 for me was to pass my foundation and make it to UK and i've succeeded. As for my results, well, it wasn't exactly as high or as good as i wanted it to be but it's the first time i can say, i have done quite well after getting horrible results for the past 4 years (i'm a total dope when it come to science). Also, I've been slowly rising out of all my troubles and the traumatic experiences I've had in the recent years and i can proudly proclaim that now, the real Safiya is finally back- stronger than ever. Yes, it took me some time but at least in all those time it cost I didn't really screw up my life or make any decisions which i will regret later on. Despite being down, I'm stil on the right track. Basically i have to say that 2010 was a good year for me. the only bad thing that happened was me falling rather ill during the holidays. hey, that's normal. I fall ill at least once a year, who doesnt?? Also, in 2010 i finally learn a very important lesson in life. I have learned to forgive others. I am not yet an expert in forgiving, but now, it's so much easier for me to forgive people and i find that i feel happier when i forgive. Besides, i think i'm learning to keep my emotions (the negative ones) at bay too. I'm starting to be more rational and less emotional, and I hope in the years to come, I will continue improving myself.

Goodbye 2010. You were a very good year for me. After having few direct 'bad years', you finally lit up my life once more. Thank you.

So with a happy heart and renewed spirits, I'm ready to face 2011! May you bring me and all those around me joy after each sadness, strength after every pain and hardship and most importantly good health and never ending faith. =)